I'm still alive!

So embarrassed that it took me this long to post again. I had a crazy couple of weeks. Work was exhausting, then my car broke down--had to get a new one (my first new car!). Then, I visited my grandma for her 70th birthday (no Internet there). When I returned last week, hubby needed the computer every night to do presentations.  I caught up on reading blogs on Mother's Day, but many of my blog friends had bad news, so I felt bad posting my good news. This week I've felt like crap.  So, lots of excuses.  Still feel horrible about taking so long.  Thank you to those who checked on me!

So, we saw our baby's heart beat on May 3rd (6weeks)! Then again on May 10th (7 weeks)! I'm 8 weeks today. Neither of my past pregnancies lasted longer than 6 weeks. So, we are pumped. This is the first time we've seen the heartbeat. Judging by that and the way I feel, things are progressing nicely.

We graduated from RE and are now choosing an OB. How do people do this?? How do you know that the one you are choosing is competent??  Ugh. We need to figure this out.

I'm sorry to my friends who have had bad news. I feel horrible for you. I was really hoping to be pregnant together with you. I feel guilty that mine is progressing normally.  Hope you all are well.  Sorry, again, it took so long to update.

Happy ICLW!

Happy ICLW! ICLW is how I found so many great blogs and is the reason for the support I have received the last two months.  For those of you new to it, you have found a gold mine.  A little about me:

I started this blog at the end of February following 14 months of TTC and after my 2nd miscarriage.  I lost both pregnancies early (at 6 weeks) after trying for 6 months each time.  The second loss was truly devastating for me and I knew I needed help so reached out to the blogging community.  I had few friends IRL who I'd shared my story with and it was much easier for me to write about what's going on that to talk about it.  After the 2nd loss, I made an appointment with a fertility specialist and got a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) workup that included a history and physical, labwork, semen analysis, and an HSG.  All of our results came back normal, which was bittersweet.  Luckily, and totally unexpectedly, I became pregnant the cycle following my last miscarriage (last week)!  So, I'm now starting a new journey of pregnancy number three.  They say it's a charm, right?

So, I made a mistake on my last post. My beta was 453 at 16 DPO (not 15).  My beta yesterday at 19 DPO was 1503.  That's a doubling time of 44 hours.  I know that normal is 24-72 hours, so I'm right in the middle.  Of course, I'd be happier if the number were closer to the 24 hour, but it's probably fine, right?  The nurse who called said it was "a good rise".  I am to keep taking my prenatal and progesterone suppository.  Done.  My progesterone yesterday was 23.5 up from 17.  I think this is good?  I asked her and told her I'd only taken 3 of the suppositories with that lab and she told me that the suppositories don't enter the bloodstream, so aren't reflected in that number.  I think it's good news that my progesterone is going up too, right?  I'm just nervous I guess.  With my last pregnancy, my doubling time was also 44 hours, but the numbers were smaller (85 at 15DPO and 777 at 20 DPO).  There's such a range of "ok" numbers that I'm not sure what to think.  I'll have labs drawn again Monday and Thursday of next week. Assuming those go ok, I'll have an US the following week.  Pretty cool.

I feel kind of crappy today.  I haven't been eating well, but healthy food has just not sounded appetizing at all to me. I feel guilty about it and need to make a better effort now.  I'm also so so tired.  But, I've been off, so have been able to take naps.  I work the next four days, so am going to have to plow through.  I've been slightly nauseous a few days, but not really today.  I need to just stop over analyzing and understand that today all is well.  I'm doing all I can and what will be, will be.

Thanks for reading.  Happy holiday weekend.

Finally an update

So sorry for the delay! I so appreciate all of your support and believe it's crazy that anyone is even following me and feel so thankful for each of you and then I didn't update yesterday! I'm sure you all went on just fine with your lives, but you all left nice comments and words of support, so I feel bad not updating.  Without further ado:
Beta on Monday (15DPO): 454 :)
Progesterone: 17 :(  or :)
So, they called me in some progesterone! I have never worked so hard for (long story to follow) or been so excited (don't tell my husband) to stick something in my vagina.  Just kidding on the last part--I love my husband, including having sex with him.  I'm thrilled. Has all this heartache occurred simply because my progesterone is low? Will this be my "fix"?? I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I'm trying to stay removed until I see what happens with my beta on Thursday and then again next week.  I did tell my best friend Morgan and my other friend Rina but instructed them not to talk about it :) I just learned from the last two losses that it's nice to have people "in" on it from the beginning rather than going back and explaining after the loss occurred and I acted weird for some time.

Why the delay in updating:  Last night my husband and I went to bed at the same time. This rarely happens as he is often at work when I go to bed.  He does not know about this blog. I thought I'd tell him by now, but haven't.  I always catch up with everyone and then post right before bed.  So, last night, I couldn't update.  I used the computer and tried to sneak but he was in a sweet mood and kept wanting to be involved with what I was doing.  So, I delayed.  Thanks again for all the support!

Progesterone:  Why is nothing in life easy? The nurse planned to call in my progesterone to Caremark to mail order as they do for many other patients. She simply stated I'd have to arrange delivery from them and all would go well.  All did not go well.  The entire caremark site and computers were down yesterday morning causing a lot of trouble! After approximately 5 hours on the phone with my nurse, the pharmacy, 2 other pharmacies, and several conversations with caremark, I ended up having the suppositories made at a compounding pharmacy and paying out of pocket for them.  Caremark assures me I'll be reimbursed while the pharmacy assures me caremark says I will not be.  The truth is that I don't care.  It was $57 for 60 suppositories and I feel that it is truly worth it and a reasonable cost to pay.  Does everyone have that much trouble getting meds??

So, I started the progesterone last night. I am currently on my third one and really doing ok. I had a headache last night, but today have been fine. I may be more cranky than usual, but how can I tell?

How I'm feeling this time:  I do feel a little less committed and more okay if the outcome is an early loss. I feel that this time, we have truly done everything and there's no missing data.  Our labs are fine, our karyotypes are good, etc. etc. We've determined my progesterone is low and I'm taking a supplement.  I don't have this feeling of wanting to do "more" or feeling like I'm missing something this time. I'm at peace with whatever happens  (this is what I think now anyway).  The flip side of this is that maybe this will actually be the one!  Also, I don't have 6 months invested into this pregnancy this time. I think that has truly made a difference. I'm beyond thankful for it, and do realize that I have 17 months invested in TTC, but it feels different this time.  Only time will tell.

Hope all is well with you. Keep Krista in your mind tomorrow as she undergoes FET!

The update is no update yet

Thanks so much for all the well-wishes :) I really appreciate them.  I feel truly lucky to be here again so quickly, but so apprehensive as you all understand.  Beta drawn today but no results until tomorrow as I went to Labcorp (did not know this at the time). Crampy today in my back and tummy.  Nauseous on and off.  I'm not sure what's normal, so who knows.  Hopefully will have good news tomorrow!

Take Three?

So, I got a positive pregnancy test this week.  As you RPLers know, this means nothing. It's just the beginning.   Both times in the past I was excited because it took 6 months to get there and I just knew that each of those times it would work. This time, I'm honestly filled with dread (possibly a trace of underlying excitement that is not allowed to be acknowledged). I just feel that it's only a matter of time before my body kills this child as well.  I know this is a negative way to be thinking about things, but I cannot get attached again until I know things are going well (and I realize that even then there are no guarantees).  I've already felt some cramping in my abdomen and in my back.  And since both of my previous pregnancies have ended so early and were both different, I don't know what is normal and what is not.  I used the wondfo pregnancy tests. I got a positive Thursday (the day AF was supposed to arrive) but it was faint so I didn't really believe it. I've tested about 10 times and still no AF. I really wanted to get a digital to be sure, but D asked what the point would be. I guess he's right. Plus, that would be more emotional investment.  I called my RE and will have my beta and progesterone drawn Monday and Thursday. So, we'll know more this time next week. I really feel that I'll need progesterone supplementation.  I just wonder if starting it Monday will be soon enough? Nothing I can do about it now. I just need to relax...I am in control of none of this.  So, that's where I am.  At least it didn't take 6 months this time, right? Only one cycle after my miscarriage...maybe that's something... will update more as the week progresses.

A good mood!

Uh oh.  Watch out.  I sat down to right this tonight and I am, get this, in a good mood! I'm not feeling sorry for myself and I'm not feeling depressed. Wow, this feels nice.  And guess what else? Today, I booked a trip to Charleston. I cannot wait to go!  It was totally spontaneous and I'm super excited.  The kicker (I just thought about this in the shower) is that I didn't even look at my calendar to see whether or not I'd be ovulating, in the 2ww, etc. Didn't even cross my mind!  I go somewhere almost every month for a few days. In 16 months I have not made any plans without first consulting my trusty fertilityfriend iPhone app.  I still haven't even looked at it. Not sure what that's all about.  But, I'm going with it for now. I have something to look forward to no matter what happens!

D and I haven't had much time to talk since the RE visit. We spoke a little about the chance of multiples with clomid and both feel that twins would be an option for us. We are ok with taking that risk.  For this month, assuming I'm not already pregnant (of course), we may or may not try the clomid. It depends on when my cycle starts. My grandma's 70th birthday is at the end of April and I will go solo out of town for a few days to see her.  If my cycle is even the slightest bit late, we'll miss prime BD time.  And we both agreed that there's no need to do a medicated cycle if we can't use it to it's full potential.  And I'm ok with that.  I appreciate the feedback I got regarding Clomid. It was all duly noted.  Thank you :)

Hope you all are well. I'm excited about the planned 80 degree day tomorrow! Cook out for dinner, I think.  Be well.

Everything is normal...yay?

So, yesterday was our meeting with the RE to have an US and to go over all of our test results in the workup for RPL.  As expected, everything is normal.  I was both happy and disappointed that this was the case.  I'm happy that nothing is wrong, although I was really hoping for there to be something small wrong that we could easily fix; therefore, providing a reason for my two miscarriages and some assurance that the next time is less likely.  Instead, I still have no answers and have a higher risk of miscarrying again.  Although, eventually, with enough pregnancies, I'll have a baby.  Yeah statistics.  It was very emotional.  The MD is amazing! He is so kind and compassionate. He treats us like we're competent but explains anything we need him to. He answers our questions and is not pushy at all.  He acts as if he has all the time in the world for us and we're not even doing expensive procedures! I do love him.

After we got the results we talked about perhaps starting Clomid. The MD in NO way pushed us towards it, just offered it if we wanted. D and I had many questions and he was patient and answered them all. I had guessed that we would have this option and spoke to D about it on the ride to the center.  It may be good for us because it will stimulate a good strong egg (or 2), boosts the progesterone, and we know almost certainly when I will ovulate so sex can be timed better. Even though all my tests were "normal" I'm concerned that I have a progesterone issue after I get pregnant. Also, each time we've gotten pregnant it's taken us 6 months. With Clomid, it could happen faster.  I'm more of a "doer" and my husband is more of a "nothing's wrong, nothing needs to be fixed" kind of guy.  So, we're still discussing the next step. After we went over all the risks and side effects, D felt more comfortable with it.  So, we can decide whenever.  If we aren't pregnant this cycle (not feeling like we are, by the way) we can just call.  If we don't that's fine too.  We can call when/if we ever want it. Then, with the next +HPT we can call and they'll follow us.  Any thoughts about trying clomid?

I'm disappointed that we don't have answers but happy that nothing serious is wrong with me. I do know and feel confident that I will eventually get pregnant and stay that way.  I'm a control freak and this is completely out of my hands, which has been hard. I do feel lucky and know that my situation could be much much worse. I know to many of you I sound like a whiner and need to buck up and go on.  However, taking so long to get pregnant and then miscarrying twice has dealt a serious blow to my self-esteem and happiness.  Although, right now I'm in a good place.  I'm trying to reconnect with me and relearn the interests I had before TTC became all-consuming.  I mean, what else is there to do during the two week wait?

Lots of thoughts today.

First off, thanks for the exercise tips. It's funny that I got three different responses--same thing that happens when I do research!  Who the hell knows what is best and what we "should" and "shouldn't" do.  I'm lazy right now, so did not run for a few days! AHH.  Need to get back on that.

So, in fertility news, this is what I've got: (any input is welcome)
First off, I've used CBEFM for over a year and always get two days of high and then two days of peak.  This time, so far I've gotten 6 days in a row of high and still no peak.  This is my first time using OPKs. I got a negative at 0900 on Friday April 1st and then a positive at 10pm. The positive remained until I tested at 2pm on Sunday.  We BDd Tuesday PM March 29th, then on Friday April 1st about 10am then 11 that night.  Then the morning of Sunday April 3rd.  I had a temp rise on the 2nd and 3rd and then, like a dummy, forgot to temp this am.  I think we're ok in the BD department.  However, I'm concerned about the CBEFM never going to peak...did I ovulate? I'll keep you posted.
Oh, and I go the the RE tomorrow to get the results of my final blood work (lupus, antiphospholipid antibodies, etc.) and for him to make his recommendations.  I'm thinking I might want to talk about clomid just to increase our chances? I haven't yet talked to D about that, though... I guess that's what we'll do on the hour drive there.

Health:
Ok, did really well for two weeks with eating well and exercising. This weekend it went downhill and that's where it's remained.  Ugh! I lost 6 pounds those two weeks (ten days, whatever).  And, as usual, I see results and then F it all up with bad eating habits and no exercise. Part of this is that I'm scare of exercising right now. I know that it's probably ok, but I don't want to do anything to hurt my chances of having a baby. So, progress needed in this area.

Other:
Did I mention that D doesn't know about this blog? In fact, only a few of my IRL friends know I'm writing a blog, but none know the name/address. I wanted this to be private and more of a diary.  I do feel bad keeping it from D, though.  In fact, a couple of weeks ago he saw me reading blogs and suggested that I start my own! I just said "well, maybe one day I will." I definitely should have just told him then, but I knew he'd be curious and want to read it and there were things in it that I wasn't ready for him to read because we hadn't yet talked about them (namely my first post). We've since talked about that, so if he asks again, I may just tell him...we'll see. I don't typically keep things from him.

My BFF Morgan's 12 week US is Wednesday so keep her in your thoughts!

Annoying news:
First off, this lady I know drives me up the wall. I work with her, so unfortunately, I have to see her quite often.  The thing that drives me most crazy is that she talks about what a professional she is and then shares TMI about her professional life. It's so much that it's uncomfortable for many of us to be around her.  Well, last week, she "confided" in me that her daughter was pregnant (just took the test that morning).  Yep! She had her Mirena taken out last month and POOF, pregnant!  She didn't even know what to think.  But, it's a secret. This lady wasn't telling anyone until after first trimester (like any of us even cared, anyway!).  Well, this morning, I overheard her telling several other people.  Then, a fellow coworker came up and said "I guess the pregnancy is not a secret anymore".  I just laughed. All of us had individually been"confided in" and then she made a big spectacle announcement later in the week!  What is this lady's problem!?  Oh, and today she talked about how her daughter will deliver at this specific hospital, it's great group, yadda, yadda, yadda.  She's 5 weeks pregnant.  Slow down, lady!  But, that's probably just jealousy speaking...right? Do most people start planning and telling everyone this early? I didn't with either pregnancy.  My parents didn't even know! I asked the coworkers around me (keep in mind that we work in OB and also that none of them know my history or even that I'm TTC) and we all concluded that the behavior is bizarre.  I think this lady just craves attention.  It's like even if something bad happens or she miscarries, at least she'll get the attention from that.  But, maybe I'm being a bad person. Maybe that's just how she copes by actually opening up and sharing with people (unlike others I know, hint, hint).  Anyway, just wanted to share that experience.

I realize this post was all over today! Thanks for reading (if you made it through).  I'm feeling so much better than I did 10 days-a week ago.  Hopefully this 2WW will go fast. Spring is in the air, etc etc.  Thanks for seeing me through rough patch.  I'm sure there's many more to come, but today I'm ok.

CD 15

Today is Cycle Day 15. I always ovulate on cycle day 11...or so I thought. This is my first month using OPKs along with the CBEFM.  I bought the cheapy wondfo's so that I could test as many times as I want. I started testing on CD 8 (a little premature, I know) and got my first + last night.  This does coincide with the rest of my signs. My temp is acting crazy.  My mucous is typical. My CBEFM is still just reading high instead of peak (even today!). I had a +OPK this morning and this afternoon.  So, hopefully ovulation is near?  I wonder if m/c causes the next cycle to be funky. It's strange that I'm ovulating later than usual.  Anyway, D and I BD'd yesterday morning, and last night. We both worked today and he won't be home until 1-2 am.  We'll probably BD. Then again tomorrow afternoon.  Sound good enough? Think it will be ok that we couldn't today? Anyway, I'm curious what my temp will do tomorrow.  Hopefully up, up, up.

I'm feeling a lot better than the last few times I posted.  Yesterday was a very good day for us. We trained at the rock climbing gym by our home, which was fun.  It's hard but we both enjoyed it.  Then, we did some shopping. It was nice to do fun stuff together!  Thank you all for your comments. It's nice to know people care and can relate.

One more question: how do you feel about exercise and the two week wait? I've been doing the C25K, as previously mentioned, and want to keep it up. But, I'm scared to do it. Any thoughts? Also, think the rock climbing gym would be ok during 2ww? I'm finally back on the health bandwagon and don't want to fall off!  Thanks for the advice.

The fog is lifting...I hope

Yesterday was just as debilitating as the other days. Today it started off much the same way. The difference was that I had to go to work for a few hours which allows me to think about something other than sadness for a few hours.  The primary difference was that after work I had lunch with my best friend who had been away visiting her family on the west coast for the weekend.  She is who I talk to about these things in real life.  She gets it and I completely unloaded on her! She did what a great friend does: listened, validated my feelings (and encouraged me to do the same), showed compassion, and provided realistic helpful advice.  Basically, she took me as I was, accepted me, and then gave me hints to make things better like: set short achievable goals for yourself each day.  Today, it was simply to fold the clothes in the dryer and to do my run.  I felt a lot better after talking through all of my stuff with her.   She checked in via text letting me know she accomplished her goals and wondering if I did mine.  I was sitting on the coach about to start down my self pity route, but her text was just what I needed.  Slowly, I headed up the stairs to fold the clothes, change clothes, and then went on my run.  And you know what? I felt better. I always do.   I just need to do it!  Oh, and did I mention that this best friend of mine is pregnant and we had shared the same due date?

This friendship is, obviously, complicated.  But, its foundation is love, respect, and good will towards each other.  It's also deep seated in sorrow and heartbreak.  During my first pregnancy last summer, my friend (in the future called Morgan) was also pregnant, but 4 weeks ahead of me.  She knew that D and I were having trouble TTC and she and her husband started trying earlier than expected.  As usual, she got pregnant on the first try.  I did hate her a little but was excited to share this journey together.  She told me she was pregnant on Thursday. I got by BFP the next morning.  When I miscarried, we had a misunderstanding. She was the only person who knew about the situation, but wasn't there for me when I miscarried. It was a difficult situation for her.  My husband pushed me to let her know how I felt. So, I sent her an email letting her know how hurt I was that she didn't acknowledge my loss or simply tell me "I'm sorry". I let her know I cared for her but I was truly upset.  She called me immediately and we cried together on the phone. She let me know how much she loved me and how hard it was for her that she was still pregnant and I was not.  Morgan is the best of friends.

Unfortunately, one week later, she had a 12 week screen US done and there were some issues with the bladder and possible echogenic bowel.  Because of the early gestation of the fetus, a diagnosis wasn't clear.  She started to withdraw from the pregnancy as she waited for more test results and a 17 week scan.  It was a sad and long 5 weeks.  At the scan, her suspicions were correct.  Their daughter had a random rare genetic condition in which the kidneys did not work, the bladder was malformed, among a myriad of other abdominal organ issues causing her to be incompatible with life.  Five days later Morgan had a D&E.  She was so strong and graceful through the whole experience.  She was expectantly sad, devastated. But, she didn't take it personally, knew it was just bad luck, and was not hesitant about starting again.

So, as soon as AF returned, she and her husband started TTC again. They got pregnant the second cycle.  She found out and told me on Thursday (again), and (again) I got my BFP the next morning.  This time she was absolutely there for me from the beginning of my miscarriage and has remained.  Unfortunately, she can relate.  Unfortunately, she has also been traumatized and does not take pregnancy for granted.  She is cautious about this current pregnancy as well.

It angers me how much infertility and loss robs us of happiness.  I want to be the naive pregnant girl who is giddy, tells everyone, and then reports to my gender scan with not a worry in the world.  But, neither Morgan nor I (nor, unfortunately, many of you) will ever get that experience.

I am thankful for my best friend.

Birthdays

So, yesterday was my husband's 30th birthday. It was slightly traumatic for both of us.  He is so afraid of growing old and is constantly referring back to his "glory days". I'm panicked because I'm next.  We're both practically 30.  I know that's not very old. But, it's significant.  When we say things, it goes like: "for thirty years I've been doing x, y, or z".  Woah.  Where did that time go? And it only goes faster with every passing year...

Yesterday was also the due date for my first pregnancy.  I knew the date was upcoming but really tried not to focus on it or give it much notice.  Alas, I barely moved from the couch Saturday or Sunday.  I just felt profoundly sad and didn't feel like doing anything.  I'm not going to go down all the paths of pity I have for myself. I've been doing that way too much lately! It's just that I'm in a sad and almost debilitating place right now  And just a few weeks ago I was hopeful and anticipatory of this cycle.  Now, the last thing I want to do is have sex.  I just want to sleep.  All the time.

Today I had to work and was thinking about what else is going on with me. I think I'm just experiencing compassion fatigue.  I am a nurse and work in an intense setting where all of my patients are delivering infants with fetal anomalies.  Some are very preterm, some are term. Some babies will live with a relatively good prognosis, some will die soon after birth, and some have unknown paths ahead.  They almost all are facing surgery and long NICU stays. I love my patients and often bond with them.  The past few months I have had some truly remarkable patients that I've become emotionally attached to who have faced situations that are beyond belief.  While I love them and have felt grateful to have these experiences, I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of crying and bonding, particularly when struggling with infertility myself.  Not only am I having a hard time getting and staying pregnant, I know about all the crazy things that can happen embryonically once I do have a sticky baby!  I see it every day!  But, that's my job and there's not much else I can do about it right now. I don't want to start over.  Plus, I really like it. I'm just so drained right now. I think I just need to step back from my patients.  I can provide excellent care without becoming emotionally invested...I think.

Emotional Rollercoaster

First off, thank you thank you thank you to all who have left comments! It's so encouraging to read words of support and to know that other's are thinking of you.  I really appreciate you.

Yesterday was quite an emotional roller-coaster for me.  I spent the morning lying in bed willing myself to get up and face the day (and my HSG).  I was bitter about going by myself and angry that D was not going with me.  He was at work and could have gone, but I didn't ask him to. In fact, I told him he didn't need to go, giving him an "out".  Then, I was angry that he didn't go.  Actually, it was more that he didn't want to go. It made me feel that he didn't want to be involved and that I was doing this on my own.

I finally got up and put my big girls pants on (only to have them taken off again at the appointment) and went to the appointment. The center is about an hour from my house so I had plenty of time once in the car to be angry and resentful about the whole situation. I was nervous about the pain and quite frankly pissed that I am even in this position. I was angry that I have to seek help for something so basic as having a child.  I was full of self pity and very aware that many things are "wrong" with me.

Once I got there, it was ok.  They saw me almost as soon as I walked in giving me little time to sit alone in the waiting room.  I used the restroom and then got on the table with my clothes off below my waist. The doctor introduced himself (different MD than we had for our consult) and told me briefly about the procedure.  In short, it was quite uncomfortable. I felt like I had a really full bladder and had to hold it.  Plus the pressure and pinching at the cervix was painful as well as the cramping.  The good thing was that it only lasted a few minutes.  I had some cramping on and off the rest of the day.  My HSG was normal.  Good news, right?

Really, I don't know how to feel. So far, all the blood work and now the HSG have been "normal". I know I should be happy, but in reality it's so frustrating.  Why does it take so long to get pregnant? And then once I'm pregnant, why I can't I stay that way??  Maybe it's just bad luck.  Either way, it's sad and I don't know if I can go through this again.  I really hoped we would find something minor to fix and then I could know that everything would be ok.  But, it looks like we're heading toward the unexplained route.  I don't know how I'm going to handle this.

D knew I was upset with him for not going and texted me several times. I finally called and was rude to him because of the several frustrations that occurred in the office (for another post) as well as being upset with him.  He apologized but it was an agonizing conversation.  We talked for a while about whether or not to even try to have kids anymore.  I feel like such a wreck. So many of you have gone through way more than I can imagine.  I don't know how you do it! I truly don't know how I'm going to handle another miscarriage.  I feel like I barely made it through the last one.  Then, I think about if we ever do have a child and something happening to that child I would die.  The decision to have a child is so difficult!  But, I can't give up. It's what I want.  So much pain involved...

On another note, can someone tell me whether or not people who leave comments get the comments that are left after theirs? Does that make sense? I want to know because I have made comments back to some of the people that have left comments on my post, but I'm not sure if they get them without coming back to the post and reading through all the comments again.  I want to make sure people know I appreciate them.  Thanks for the help!

Nervous today

First off, thank you so much ICLW bloggers! It's been nice to find new blogs and to get new traffic on my blog. I really appreciate your comments and look forward to our journey together :)

Update on the exercise situation: I ran day 2 week 4 of Couch to 5K on Tuesday. Doing well! Long day at work yesterday, so did no exercise. Today is day 3 week 4 of C25K.  I'm doing well eating. Staying within my calorie range and trying to eat the right proportion of carbs, fats, and protein. I'm trying to eat "real" food and not processed food. I'm trying new flavors and foods in an attempt to expand my palate.  So far, so good!

I'm nervous about the HSG today. I've done no reading about it because I don't want to freak myself out. I've heard people say they are uncomfortable and I've heard others say they aren't too bad.  We'll see when I get there.  I'm going alone and feel ok about it. My husband said he'd go if I need him to and I told him I didn't. I really wish he just would have assumed that he go with me.  Oh well. I'm a big girl :)

Will let you know how it goes!

From funk to fine

I woke up in a funk today! Bless those who had to be around me.  After having the day to think about it, I know why.  I recommitted myself to being healthy and working out.  I worked Saturday and ate well that day. After working 12.5 hours and being away from my home for nearly 15, I still sucked it up and did the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD.  Great job, right!  Right.  Then Sunday...I worked all day and watched my eating but boy was I starving when I got home! I did fix a healthy meal and plan my food for yesterday, but could not muster up the energy to do the video even though it was only 20 minutes. I knew I would be disappointment in myself and I was.  So, I went to bed thinking what a horrible fat slob I am and woke up cranky.  Should teach me a lesson...

The day was ok otherwise. I called the REI group to update them on my progress (welcome back AF) and to schedule my HSG.  It was, of course, difficult because no one seems to know what they're talking about. I'm so used to working with nurses in a hospital setting where we are expected to guide the patients and use our critical thinking skills.  That is not what is expected of the aids and nurses at MD offices.  I need to understand that and things will go much more smoothly.  Long story short, my day 3 labs were ordered (but I didn't make it there in time! Add that to tomorrow's list) and my HSG is scheduled for Thursday.  Should be good!

I was still in a funk when I got home, but was excited to see my D because I hadn't seem him since Friday due to our conflicting work schedules.  We got in a little fuss partly because I was already feeling a little insecure and partly because we were working on a project together and he got snippy.  I just took a quick nap and then he apologized and told me he loved me when I awoke.  Sweet :)  Then we decided to prepare a nice meal together, which is so unusual for us these days.  We made up a marinade for salmon and stuck that in the fridge.  D then shot some hoops outside and I went for a run.  Yes, a run...or jog...or jog/walk. Whatever! I went.  I decided to restart the Couch to 5K running plan. I can already run a little, so I started on week 4.  I did it and it seemed like the right level to start at for me.  So, we'll see how that goes.

After our exercise, my mood was totally changed. I was proud of myself! I had planned a really healthy dinner as well.  D and I spent the evening chatting, cooking our food, and just enjoying each other.  Such a nice night.  I needed that~

Oh, and welcome all the IComLeavWe bloggers! This is my first time participating (obviously since I only recently started this blog) and am so excited to be involved.

Take Three

Aunt Flow arrived today and brought with her a mixture of feelings! I'm happy she is here and semi-excited about starting a new cycle, but nervous about the "what ifs" and dreading the roller coater ride I've experienced the last two pregnancies.  Ya know...every cycle getting excited about the possibilities, spirits being up, BDing, then hopefully, anxiously waiting to see if (literally) the fruit of your labor materializes...then, nothing. Ugh.

I do feel that I'm entering this cycle with a better mindset than before. I do feel that I'm going to get pregnant again and that I have the team around who is capable of caring for me and helping me have this next baby be a sticky baby.  Of course, since the arrival of AF this morning, the insanity has started creeping back in and I've stalked the boards reading to determine my next plan of action.

First, about me:
I use the Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBEFM).
My cycle is typically 26-27 days long.
Based on temperature, CBEFM, and my previous pregnancies I ovulate on day 11.
The two times I've gotten pregnant, I've BD'd on different days, but always within 24-48 hours of ovulation.
My EWCM is almost non-existent, so we use Pre-Seed.
My last cycle we used Instead Softcup and felt that was useful.

Plan of Action:
Temp every morning
Continue using CBEFM
Add OPKs in the afternoon
Baby Dance every other day starting on day 6 (modified SMEP)
Once +OPK, BD every night for 3 nights
Take one night off, then BD again.

I'll also have my day 3 labs drawn Monday and then my HSG next week (hopefully they can fit me in). The HSG offers slightly better chance of getting pregnant, I'll be coming off a miscarriage, and I'm using the SMEP.  Lots of tools in the arsenal so I have high hopes!  Plus, I only have enough tampons to get me through this menstrual cycle. I don't want to buy more!!

I ran!

So, I got on the treadmill today.  16 days after my last treadmill visit. Not, the longest break I've ever taken but longer than I wanted. But, I did it. I've just got to keep up with it!

On the fertility front, still waiting on that AF. I don't think I'm pregnant...I'm pretty positive when I ovulated after the miscarriage because I recognized the symptoms. but we didn't have sex around that time. I've drank so much since then, I'd be scared to be pregnant to be honest! I think I've been drinking so much much because, first of all, I was on vacation.  Second, because I truly feel that this is my year. We are seeing a specialist who will take us seriously, and I'm going to have a sticky pregnancy.  So, here's hoping!

The other thing I'm waiting on is our karyotyping and preliminary labs for RPL workup.  I had all the labs but the clotting ones. I'll get those in about 10 days.  The first labs should be back next week.  I'm anxious, but ok waiting.  Good things are going to come :)

Fat but NOT so happy about it!

Ugh...stepped on the scale following my fabulous vacation and I am the heaviest I have ever been. Yuck yuck yuck.  I mean, I knew it was bad. I've looked in the mirror. My clothes don't fit. I just spent the last week in a f-ing bathing suit! But, to quantify it with the scale is the pits.

Six years ago I found myself in a similar situation. I was at my peak weight then (-1 lb from now) and it really put the pressure on. I immediately started action. I remember going to a bookstore and reading one of Bob Greene's books on eating. It really spoke to me, particularly paying attention to why I am eating and finding value in myself. See, I am a true emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm full because it tastes good, when I'm bored, when I'm reading, etc. I like food and I like to eat.  So, I made some rules for myself:

1. No simple carbs. I could eat carbs but sparingly, only whole grain bread and occasionally whole grain pasta.
2. I had cereal and fruit every day for breakfast and packed my lunch (wholegrain sandwich, water, carrots) and snacks (apples, more carrots).
3. I would attend the gym 6 days every single week no matter what (I joined a gym that I had to pass on my way home) and use the elliptical for 30 minutes at minimum.
4. I could have one cheat meal per week, but did not go overboard. If I added a dessert onto the meal, that's fine...I would just have to do 30 extra minutes of cardio the following day.
5. Absolutely no eating after 7 pm (I went to bed at 10pm then).

Well, it worked great. I felt great and really stuck to the program. I lost 30 pounds in 4-5 months and felt the best I'd ever felt.  Once I got to a good weight, I lightened up on the food restrictions.  That summer I had to do a nursing internship working 12.5 hour shifts and started skipping the gym.  Then, I finished school, moved, started working, etc.  I gained 10 pounds back but felt ok.

Off and on since then I yo-yo. I eat right, work out, see results, then stop.  It's so sad! It's so frustrating to make the progress and then slip right back to where I started from or beyond!  But, I don't know how to fix it. I know the right foods to eat. I know to do cardio and weight training. I know all the right things but cannot make myself consistently do them.

Last year after not getting pregnant for the first 4 months I started going to a personal trainer.  It was going well! I was changing my body, but only lost abbot 10 pounds in the two months.  Then, I got pregnant and was scared to keep working out.  Then, I miscarried, and didn't give a f*ck about working out.  Since then, it's been up and down again all over.  I want to work out and get in shape, but every month I think "Oh, but I'm going to get pregnant".  So, I'll work out for a week or two, then stop during the 2 ww.  It's so counterproductive. I know that it's fine to work out. I know that I need to get in shape and lose weight. I just can't seem to do it. I have a hundred excuses!  The reality is that I'm just plain lazy.

I'm trying to be productive, so I'm outlining the main differences between my success before (6 years ago) and my failures now.

Then: I had a consistent (8-2) schedule every day involving sitting in class listening to lectures making it easy to plan meals, gym time, etc. 
Now: I work (mostly) exhausting 12.5 hour shifts with a one hour each way commute on different days every week making the consistent schedule aspect difficult.
Solution: I know my schedule way in advance, so despite it being inconsistent, I do have one and should be able to plan meals and gym time.

Then: I had easy access to a gym and had to drive by it every single day to get home.
Now: I have a gym in my basement that includes a treadmill, elliptical, weights, tv, and dvd player.  The problem is that I'm home...
Solution: ??? Get off my lazy ass? Stop making excuses? Jury is still out on this one...

Then: I was just an ordinary girl trying to get in shape with a few cares in the world (lol, not how it seemed at the time).
Now: I'm fighting the battle to get pregnant and have two emotionally stressful jobs.
Solution: Suck it up? Realize that a healthy weight is good for me and my future baby? Again, I don't know...

Then: I followed my "rules". I made them and then they had to be enforced.
Now: I make rules, but they're actually more like guidelines.  If I don't want to follow them, I'm an adult, dammit, and I don't have to!
Solution: Find that mindset where I can follow my own rules.

As you see, my solutions need some work.  For now, bed time.  Tomorrow: Run/Walk on the treadmill for 3 miles. I can take as long as I want, but it has to be done.

Sorry so long!

So, sorry for the long delay in posting (if anyone is actually reading...). I had my birthday after my last post and then an exhausting couple of days at work! Whew.  Heart-wrenching and horrible as I took care of a mom and dad who were fighting to save their 24 week old child and lost. Tough.  Then, I had vacation! Woo! Could NOT have come at a better time. We headed down to the Caribbean and had a beautiful, fun, relaxing week of sunshine, snorkeling, and eating!

It's so strange how "normal" I am the weeks following a miscarriage.  While waiting for AF to arrive, I do no temping, no mucous checking, no on-demand baby-dancing, no peeing on a stick, and I have no freaking clue what day in my cycle I'm on!  It's great!  Now, don't get me wrong--I'd rather be pregnant. But, it's nice to not have my life consumed by getting pregnant for a few weeks.  I'm excited for her return because once she does, the rest of the show can get on the road! I can have a few more blood tests and my HSG and we can be closer to welcoming our sweet baby.  So, I guess I'm saying I've enjoyed the time off, but I'm energized, refreshed, and ready to start again!

I've enjoyed reading the blogs to which I subscribe since I've returned and truly missed the stories and thought about the writers while I was away.  It's interesting how people that we don't even know can affect us.  I'll keep ya posted!

It was good!

Yesterday D and I went to see the REI doc and it was really really good! The MD was totally professional but kind and down to earth.  He sympathized with our losses and helped us come up with a plan for where to go. He really listened to us, asked questions, and appeared genuinely concerned. I was so nervous going there. I literally felt nauseas yesterday morning before seeing him. But, was totally relieved once we met with him.  Plus, he met with us for over 30 minutes! From what I've read in the blog world, that's outstanding.
The plan:
Yesterday we each had genetic testing done. I got labs for a myriad of other things.
Once AF returns, I'll call to schedule HSG (not so excited about this) and day 3 labs.
In 3-4 weeks I'll have some clotting and immune labs drawn.

So, sounds good to me. He didn't push treatment, which I was afraid of. He respected our knowledge, but explained things when we needed him to.  So, here we go...

Nervous

Had a great day today with two of my best girlfriends. Now, all I can think about is the REI appointment tomorrow.  So nervous! Hope I can sleep...

Ignorant People!

Ugh! Dealing with ignorant people is frustrating for me.  I don't know why everything is so difficult.  Driving home today (from a good and meaningful day with a dear friend, I might add), my primary care doc's office calls to question the referral I asked them to make for me to the REI.  See, I have an HMO and I have to get a "referral" to see any specialist from my primary care doc.  In the past this has been simple (relatively speaking). I call the number, press several buttons, leave a message all about me, all about the referral, and why I want the referral.  Typically, after I do this, all is A-OK.  So, today, the lady from my primary doc calls at 5:15 pm to ask me about my referral. I explain to her the need.  She seems hesitant and is "concerned" because "these treatments" may need preauthorization rather than a referral. I explained that I know my insurer covers this group (it's how I picked them!) and could she please simply place the referral.  Again, she's concerned because..."things like this" may not be covered and she wants to protect me! She advises me to call the number on the back of my card to get information on eligibility. I don't want to fight with her but request that perhaps she could call them tomorrow as well.

1st:  Why are you calling me at 5:15 PM when everything is closed!
2nd: "(In)Fertility" is not a bad word! Crazy lady did everything to avoid saying these words. Really offensive.
3rd: Why can't you just do your job without meddling??  I know she's just trying to help and save me from an insurance bill, but I'd done my homework and she wouldn't listen!

So, I call the insurance company.  Again, get a lady who is horrified by a fertility center.  She doesn't see that fertility is covered by my insurance.  Lady--it's just a consult! You cover lab-work don't ya? Yep! And diagnostic tests! And IUI!  And we're not even there yet..And my doctor shows as in the network, right? Yep! So, as I already knew, I simply needed a referral to the specialist from my primary care doc.  But once more info is received from the doc about how to move forward I can provide and ICD-9 code and they'll let me know if it's covered.  I already knew this, but it was helpful nonetheless.  I'll call the primary doc referral line back tomorrow.  Why does it have to be so hard!???

Oh! And this was all immediately after I went to labcorp to get a repeat quant drawn to see how close to zero it is from my miscarriage.  Well, Labcorps fax was down and they never got my MD's request.  Of course, this is after I sat in the waiting room for 20 minutes listening to a child scream his lungs out because the phlebotomist kept missing his veins and after the doc's office is closed...Why are labs not electronic via Labcorp? Why can my MD not sit at a computer and place the orders and it goes to Labcorp central database? Then, I can go to ANY Labcorp that happens to be near me and they'll have the order! It's all electronic, so my MD could have the results immediately when it's done as well.  There'd be no frustration waiting for the fax, going to the wrong Labcorp, dealing with fax machines breaking, etc. This is such a simple solution with all the technology they already have in place.  Seems so stupid to me the way they do it! Any insight would be helpful.

I did have a good day, by the way :) But needed that vent...

I did it

So...I did it.  I made an appointment with REI.  This is a big step for me. See, I was one of those people who believed that if you couldn't conceive, then there's a reason for it! Simple as that...you have sex, you get pregnant, you have a baby. If you couldn't do it on your own, then God, the Universe, whomever deemed that you weren't able. Move on. The end.

This was, of course, before I had problems conceiving. It's so interesting how one's opinions of things change as they start to apply to oneself...See, I'm a hypocrite just like everyone else.

My appointment is next week and we're doing a consultation for recurrent pregnancy loss.  I actually feel hopeful about it. I want to be a mom.

Ready, Set, Go

So, here I am...sitting where I never wanted to sit in a situation I never really dreamed I'd be in.  I want a baby and despite working really hard for one, I am still childless with 14 months and two miscarriages behind me.  So, we're on to the next step: Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility.

Let me tell you a little about myself.  First up,  I am a nurse. A labor and delivery nurse. Yep, that's right. I get to take care of pregnant women every single day.  I know everything that can go wrong in a pregnancy, both with mom and with baby. So, I didn't start this journey naive thinking all would be roses. I did, however, start this journey believing I would have a baby.  However, over the years, I definitely felt that my husband and I wished babies away for so many years that when it came time for us to want one, the silly little cuss would be elusive.  I did get that part right.  I'm married to my high school sweetheart who is also in the medical field.  We love each other and are truly best friends.  Before TTC we traveled a lot, saved money, finished school, built our next egg...you know, were "responsible".  Maybe that's where we went wrong...

My first pregnancy was last summer and ended at 6 weeks, 29 days past ovulation. I was devastated as
my husband and I had spent 6 months trying to get pregnant and then a short (but felt like forever) two weeks later, it was all over and we were left alone. My husband was sad, but mostly for me. He's very optimistic about this and felt that the good news was that we got pregnant.  He had confidence we would get pregnant again.  Over the next 6 months, I got more aggressive with my charting and temping, and we each got preliminary testing done to rule out any major issues. My "basic" labs came back OK and his semen analysis was within normal limits as well.

Let me tell you a little about this weekend.  See, just 48 hours ago, I wasn't sure I'd see this part of the weekend.  On Friday, I suspected that I was having another miscarriage; again, at 6 weeks just 29 days past ovulation.  This time, I was beyond devastated.  I really was positive about his pregnancy. I knew that I had no higher chance of miscarrying this pregnancy than any other woman and that odds were in my favor I would carry the baby to term. Nope.  I was wrong.  Again, I was left alone and heartbroken.  I entered a place I had not been before. As I was driving home from work Friday I kept envisioning my car crashing into a light pole or concrete barrier.  As I lied in bed Friday night with my dear husband holding me trying to comfort me, the only vision that came to my mind was one of my bottle of pinot noir and a handful of percocets leftover from a procedure last year.  I wasn't suicidal. I did nothing to bring these visions to reality, but the visions were disturbing.  I begged my husband to just lie with me because I wasn't quite sure what I would do. Of course, I didn't tell him about my visions or why I needed him so.  I didn't tell him that I wanted no medicine for my cramping because I wouldn't stop at ibuprofen.  I didn't tell him that I was afraid for him to leave me by myself. I only told him that I really needed him and he stayed and loved me and saved me.

The next day was my day of tears. I felt hopeless, alone, and unsure of whether I would get through this.  I communicated this to my love and told him explicitly what I need from him: constant affirmation the he loves me, wants to be with me, that I am a good person, and lots of physical attention.  He was amazing! He told me he loved me, reminded me of good things about myself, let me know we would get through this, held my hand, rubbed my back, kissed me, and let me cry on his chest as often as I needed all day long.  We talked about the future and what our next steps would be.  He reminded me that no matter what happens we have each other and that's pretty darn good.  God, I love that man.

Today, I feel that a fog has literally lifted. I'm still sad. And lonely. And frustrated. But, I'm ready to make a plan. I'm a doer, a problem-solver. I'm ready to tackle this. So, I spent the day investigating recurrent pregnancy loss and what to do about it.  I've learned that we need further tests done to see if we just have really bad luck, or if there's something deeper causing me to have difficulty getting pregnant as well as an inability to stay pregnant.  I learned that, unfortunately, there are other women out there in the same boat as me, although only 5% of women experience two consecutive losses.  This is not a case where I revel in beating the odds...alas, I must go on.  So, first thing tomorrow morning, I'm making an appointment with the REI clinic I spent the day researching--something I never wanted to have to do.