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Thanks for sharing in our journey of moving from a couple in love TTC with no intervention to the land of testing and procedures...

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Fat but NOT so happy about it!

Ugh...stepped on the scale following my fabulous vacation and I am the heaviest I have ever been. Yuck yuck yuck.  I mean, I knew it was bad. I've looked in the mirror. My clothes don't fit. I just spent the last week in a f-ing bathing suit! But, to quantify it with the scale is the pits.

Six years ago I found myself in a similar situation. I was at my peak weight then (-1 lb from now) and it really put the pressure on. I immediately started action. I remember going to a bookstore and reading one of Bob Greene's books on eating. It really spoke to me, particularly paying attention to why I am eating and finding value in myself. See, I am a true emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm full because it tastes good, when I'm bored, when I'm reading, etc. I like food and I like to eat.  So, I made some rules for myself:

1. No simple carbs. I could eat carbs but sparingly, only whole grain bread and occasionally whole grain pasta.
2. I had cereal and fruit every day for breakfast and packed my lunch (wholegrain sandwich, water, carrots) and snacks (apples, more carrots).
3. I would attend the gym 6 days every single week no matter what (I joined a gym that I had to pass on my way home) and use the elliptical for 30 minutes at minimum.
4. I could have one cheat meal per week, but did not go overboard. If I added a dessert onto the meal, that's fine...I would just have to do 30 extra minutes of cardio the following day.
5. Absolutely no eating after 7 pm (I went to bed at 10pm then).

Well, it worked great. I felt great and really stuck to the program. I lost 30 pounds in 4-5 months and felt the best I'd ever felt.  Once I got to a good weight, I lightened up on the food restrictions.  That summer I had to do a nursing internship working 12.5 hour shifts and started skipping the gym.  Then, I finished school, moved, started working, etc.  I gained 10 pounds back but felt ok.

Off and on since then I yo-yo. I eat right, work out, see results, then stop.  It's so sad! It's so frustrating to make the progress and then slip right back to where I started from or beyond!  But, I don't know how to fix it. I know the right foods to eat. I know to do cardio and weight training. I know all the right things but cannot make myself consistently do them.

Last year after not getting pregnant for the first 4 months I started going to a personal trainer.  It was going well! I was changing my body, but only lost abbot 10 pounds in the two months.  Then, I got pregnant and was scared to keep working out.  Then, I miscarried, and didn't give a f*ck about working out.  Since then, it's been up and down again all over.  I want to work out and get in shape, but every month I think "Oh, but I'm going to get pregnant".  So, I'll work out for a week or two, then stop during the 2 ww.  It's so counterproductive. I know that it's fine to work out. I know that I need to get in shape and lose weight. I just can't seem to do it. I have a hundred excuses!  The reality is that I'm just plain lazy.

I'm trying to be productive, so I'm outlining the main differences between my success before (6 years ago) and my failures now.

Then: I had a consistent (8-2) schedule every day involving sitting in class listening to lectures making it easy to plan meals, gym time, etc. 
Now: I work (mostly) exhausting 12.5 hour shifts with a one hour each way commute on different days every week making the consistent schedule aspect difficult.
Solution: I know my schedule way in advance, so despite it being inconsistent, I do have one and should be able to plan meals and gym time.

Then: I had easy access to a gym and had to drive by it every single day to get home.
Now: I have a gym in my basement that includes a treadmill, elliptical, weights, tv, and dvd player.  The problem is that I'm home...
Solution: ??? Get off my lazy ass? Stop making excuses? Jury is still out on this one...

Then: I was just an ordinary girl trying to get in shape with a few cares in the world (lol, not how it seemed at the time).
Now: I'm fighting the battle to get pregnant and have two emotionally stressful jobs.
Solution: Suck it up? Realize that a healthy weight is good for me and my future baby? Again, I don't know...

Then: I followed my "rules". I made them and then they had to be enforced.
Now: I make rules, but they're actually more like guidelines.  If I don't want to follow them, I'm an adult, dammit, and I don't have to!
Solution: Find that mindset where I can follow my own rules.

As you see, my solutions need some work.  For now, bed time.  Tomorrow: Run/Walk on the treadmill for 3 miles. I can take as long as I want, but it has to be done.

1 comment:

  1. It's amazing how trying to get pregnant takes up not only all of our mental energy, but all of our physical energy. Our whole life becomes revolved around "but what if I get pregnant this month" and then priorities change.

    I admire you for having the gusto to get working out again!

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