Welcome to our Journey

Thanks for sharing in our journey of moving from a couple in love TTC with no intervention to the land of testing and procedures...

Sunday, February 27, 2011


Had a great day today with two of my best girlfriends. Now, all I can think about is the REI appointment tomorrow.  So nervous! Hope I can sleep...

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Ignorant People!

Ugh! Dealing with ignorant people is frustrating for me.  I don't know why everything is so difficult.  Driving home today (from a good and meaningful day with a dear friend, I might add), my primary care doc's office calls to question the referral I asked them to make for me to the REI.  See, I have an HMO and I have to get a "referral" to see any specialist from my primary care doc.  In the past this has been simple (relatively speaking). I call the number, press several buttons, leave a message all about me, all about the referral, and why I want the referral.  Typically, after I do this, all is A-OK.  So, today, the lady from my primary doc calls at 5:15 pm to ask me about my referral. I explain to her the need.  She seems hesitant and is "concerned" because "these treatments" may need preauthorization rather than a referral. I explained that I know my insurer covers this group (it's how I picked them!) and could she please simply place the referral.  Again, she's concerned because..."things like this" may not be covered and she wants to protect me! She advises me to call the number on the back of my card to get information on eligibility. I don't want to fight with her but request that perhaps she could call them tomorrow as well.

1st:  Why are you calling me at 5:15 PM when everything is closed!
2nd: "(In)Fertility" is not a bad word! Crazy lady did everything to avoid saying these words. Really offensive.
3rd: Why can't you just do your job without meddling??  I know she's just trying to help and save me from an insurance bill, but I'd done my homework and she wouldn't listen!

So, I call the insurance company.  Again, get a lady who is horrified by a fertility center.  She doesn't see that fertility is covered by my insurance.  Lady--it's just a consult! You cover lab-work don't ya? Yep! And diagnostic tests! And IUI!  And we're not even there yet..And my doctor shows as in the network, right? Yep! So, as I already knew, I simply needed a referral to the specialist from my primary care doc.  But once more info is received from the doc about how to move forward I can provide and ICD-9 code and they'll let me know if it's covered.  I already knew this, but it was helpful nonetheless.  I'll call the primary doc referral line back tomorrow.  Why does it have to be so hard!???

Oh! And this was all immediately after I went to labcorp to get a repeat quant drawn to see how close to zero it is from my miscarriage.  Well, Labcorps fax was down and they never got my MD's request.  Of course, this is after I sat in the waiting room for 20 minutes listening to a child scream his lungs out because the phlebotomist kept missing his veins and after the doc's office is closed...Why are labs not electronic via Labcorp? Why can my MD not sit at a computer and place the orders and it goes to Labcorp central database? Then, I can go to ANY Labcorp that happens to be near me and they'll have the order! It's all electronic, so my MD could have the results immediately when it's done as well.  There'd be no frustration waiting for the fax, going to the wrong Labcorp, dealing with fax machines breaking, etc. This is such a simple solution with all the technology they already have in place.  Seems so stupid to me the way they do it! Any insight would be helpful.

I did have a good day, by the way :) But needed that vent...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I did it

So...I did it.  I made an appointment with REI.  This is a big step for me. See, I was one of those people who believed that if you couldn't conceive, then there's a reason for it! Simple as that...you have sex, you get pregnant, you have a baby. If you couldn't do it on your own, then God, the Universe, whomever deemed that you weren't able. Move on. The end.

This was, of course, before I had problems conceiving. It's so interesting how one's opinions of things change as they start to apply to oneself...See, I'm a hypocrite just like everyone else.

My appointment is next week and we're doing a consultation for recurrent pregnancy loss.  I actually feel hopeful about it. I want to be a mom.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Ready, Set, Go

So, here I am...sitting where I never wanted to sit in a situation I never really dreamed I'd be in.  I want a baby and despite working really hard for one, I am still childless with 14 months and two miscarriages behind me.  So, we're on to the next step: Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility.

Let me tell you a little about myself.  First up,  I am a nurse. A labor and delivery nurse. Yep, that's right. I get to take care of pregnant women every single day.  I know everything that can go wrong in a pregnancy, both with mom and with baby. So, I didn't start this journey naive thinking all would be roses. I did, however, start this journey believing I would have a baby.  However, over the years, I definitely felt that my husband and I wished babies away for so many years that when it came time for us to want one, the silly little cuss would be elusive.  I did get that part right.  I'm married to my high school sweetheart who is also in the medical field.  We love each other and are truly best friends.  Before TTC we traveled a lot, saved money, finished school, built our next egg...you know, were "responsible".  Maybe that's where we went wrong...

My first pregnancy was last summer and ended at 6 weeks, 29 days past ovulation. I was devastated as
my husband and I had spent 6 months trying to get pregnant and then a short (but felt like forever) two weeks later, it was all over and we were left alone. My husband was sad, but mostly for me. He's very optimistic about this and felt that the good news was that we got pregnant.  He had confidence we would get pregnant again.  Over the next 6 months, I got more aggressive with my charting and temping, and we each got preliminary testing done to rule out any major issues. My "basic" labs came back OK and his semen analysis was within normal limits as well.

Let me tell you a little about this weekend.  See, just 48 hours ago, I wasn't sure I'd see this part of the weekend.  On Friday, I suspected that I was having another miscarriage; again, at 6 weeks just 29 days past ovulation.  This time, I was beyond devastated.  I really was positive about his pregnancy. I knew that I had no higher chance of miscarrying this pregnancy than any other woman and that odds were in my favor I would carry the baby to term. Nope.  I was wrong.  Again, I was left alone and heartbroken.  I entered a place I had not been before. As I was driving home from work Friday I kept envisioning my car crashing into a light pole or concrete barrier.  As I lied in bed Friday night with my dear husband holding me trying to comfort me, the only vision that came to my mind was one of my bottle of pinot noir and a handful of percocets leftover from a procedure last year.  I wasn't suicidal. I did nothing to bring these visions to reality, but the visions were disturbing.  I begged my husband to just lie with me because I wasn't quite sure what I would do. Of course, I didn't tell him about my visions or why I needed him so.  I didn't tell him that I wanted no medicine for my cramping because I wouldn't stop at ibuprofen.  I didn't tell him that I was afraid for him to leave me by myself. I only told him that I really needed him and he stayed and loved me and saved me.

The next day was my day of tears. I felt hopeless, alone, and unsure of whether I would get through this.  I communicated this to my love and told him explicitly what I need from him: constant affirmation the he loves me, wants to be with me, that I am a good person, and lots of physical attention.  He was amazing! He told me he loved me, reminded me of good things about myself, let me know we would get through this, held my hand, rubbed my back, kissed me, and let me cry on his chest as often as I needed all day long.  We talked about the future and what our next steps would be.  He reminded me that no matter what happens we have each other and that's pretty darn good.  God, I love that man.

Today, I feel that a fog has literally lifted. I'm still sad. And lonely. And frustrated. But, I'm ready to make a plan. I'm a doer, a problem-solver. I'm ready to tackle this. So, I spent the day investigating recurrent pregnancy loss and what to do about it.  I've learned that we need further tests done to see if we just have really bad luck, or if there's something deeper causing me to have difficulty getting pregnant as well as an inability to stay pregnant.  I learned that, unfortunately, there are other women out there in the same boat as me, although only 5% of women experience two consecutive losses.  This is not a case where I revel in beating the odds...alas, I must go on.  So, first thing tomorrow morning, I'm making an appointment with the REI clinic I spent the day researching--something I never wanted to have to do.