So, here I am...sitting where I never wanted to sit in a situation I never really dreamed I'd be in. I want a baby and despite working really hard for one, I am still childless with 14 months and two miscarriages behind me. So, we're on to the next step: Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility.
Let me tell you a little about myself. First up, I am a nurse. A labor and delivery nurse. Yep, that's right. I get to take care of pregnant women every single day. I know everything that can go wrong in a pregnancy, both with mom and with baby. So, I didn't start this journey naive thinking all would be roses. I did, however, start this journey believing I would have a baby. However, over the years, I definitely felt that my husband and I wished babies away for so many years that when it came time for us to want one, the silly little cuss would be elusive. I did get that part right. I'm married to my high school sweetheart who is also in the medical field. We love each other and are truly best friends. Before TTC we traveled a lot, saved money, finished school, built our next egg...you know, were "responsible". Maybe that's where we went wrong...
My first pregnancy was last summer and ended at 6 weeks, 29 days past ovulation. I was devastated as
my husband and I had spent 6 months trying to get pregnant and then a short (but felt like forever) two weeks later, it was all over and we were left alone. My husband was sad, but mostly for me. He's very optimistic about this and felt that the good news was that we got pregnant. He had confidence we would get pregnant again. Over the next 6 months, I got more aggressive with my charting and temping, and we each got preliminary testing done to rule out any major issues. My "basic" labs came back OK and his semen analysis was within normal limits as well.
Let me tell you a little about this weekend. See, just 48 hours ago, I wasn't sure I'd see this part of the weekend. On Friday, I suspected that I was having another miscarriage; again, at 6 weeks just 29 days past ovulation. This time, I was beyond devastated. I really was positive about his pregnancy. I knew that I had no higher chance of miscarrying this pregnancy than any other woman and that odds were in my favor I would carry the baby to term. Nope. I was wrong. Again, I was left alone and heartbroken. I entered a place I had not been before. As I was driving home from work Friday I kept envisioning my car crashing into a light pole or concrete barrier. As I lied in bed Friday night with my dear husband holding me trying to comfort me, the only vision that came to my mind was one of my bottle of pinot noir and a handful of percocets leftover from a procedure last year. I wasn't suicidal. I did nothing to bring these visions to reality, but the visions were disturbing. I begged my husband to just lie with me because I wasn't quite sure what I would do. Of course, I didn't tell him about my visions or why I needed him so. I didn't tell him that I wanted no medicine for my cramping because I wouldn't stop at ibuprofen. I didn't tell him that I was afraid for him to leave me by myself. I only told him that I really needed him and he stayed and loved me and saved me.
The next day was my day of tears. I felt hopeless, alone, and unsure of whether I would get through this. I communicated this to my love and told him explicitly what I need from him: constant affirmation the he loves me, wants to be with me, that I am a good person, and lots of physical attention. He was amazing! He told me he loved me, reminded me of good things about myself, let me know we would get through this, held my hand, rubbed my back, kissed me, and let me cry on his chest as often as I needed all day long. We talked about the future and what our next steps would be. He reminded me that no matter what happens we have each other and that's pretty darn good. God, I love that man.
Today, I feel that a fog has literally lifted. I'm still sad. And lonely. And frustrated. But, I'm ready to make a plan. I'm a doer, a problem-solver. I'm ready to tackle this. So, I spent the day investigating recurrent pregnancy loss and what to do about it. I've learned that we need further tests done to see if we just have really bad luck, or if there's something deeper causing me to have difficulty getting pregnant as well as an inability to stay pregnant. I learned that, unfortunately, there are other women out there in the same boat as me, although only 5% of women experience two consecutive losses. This is not a case where I revel in beating the odds...alas, I must go on. So, first thing tomorrow morning, I'm making an appointment with the REI clinic I spent the day researching--something I never wanted to have to do.
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