Welcome to our Journey

Thanks for sharing in our journey of moving from a couple in love TTC with no intervention to the land of testing and procedures...

Friday, April 22, 2011

Happy ICLW!

Happy ICLW! ICLW is how I found so many great blogs and is the reason for the support I have received the last two months.  For those of you new to it, you have found a gold mine.  A little about me:

I started this blog at the end of February following 14 months of TTC and after my 2nd miscarriage.  I lost both pregnancies early (at 6 weeks) after trying for 6 months each time.  The second loss was truly devastating for me and I knew I needed help so reached out to the blogging community.  I had few friends IRL who I'd shared my story with and it was much easier for me to write about what's going on that to talk about it.  After the 2nd loss, I made an appointment with a fertility specialist and got a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) workup that included a history and physical, labwork, semen analysis, and an HSG.  All of our results came back normal, which was bittersweet.  Luckily, and totally unexpectedly, I became pregnant the cycle following my last miscarriage (last week)!  So, I'm now starting a new journey of pregnancy number three.  They say it's a charm, right?

So, I made a mistake on my last post. My beta was 453 at 16 DPO (not 15).  My beta yesterday at 19 DPO was 1503.  That's a doubling time of 44 hours.  I know that normal is 24-72 hours, so I'm right in the middle.  Of course, I'd be happier if the number were closer to the 24 hour, but it's probably fine, right?  The nurse who called said it was "a good rise".  I am to keep taking my prenatal and progesterone suppository.  Done.  My progesterone yesterday was 23.5 up from 17.  I think this is good?  I asked her and told her I'd only taken 3 of the suppositories with that lab and she told me that the suppositories don't enter the bloodstream, so aren't reflected in that number.  I think it's good news that my progesterone is going up too, right?  I'm just nervous I guess.  With my last pregnancy, my doubling time was also 44 hours, but the numbers were smaller (85 at 15DPO and 777 at 20 DPO).  There's such a range of "ok" numbers that I'm not sure what to think.  I'll have labs drawn again Monday and Thursday of next week. Assuming those go ok, I'll have an US the following week.  Pretty cool.

I feel kind of crappy today.  I haven't been eating well, but healthy food has just not sounded appetizing at all to me. I feel guilty about it and need to make a better effort now.  I'm also so so tired.  But, I've been off, so have been able to take naps.  I work the next four days, so am going to have to plow through.  I've been slightly nauseous a few days, but not really today.  I need to just stop over analyzing and understand that today all is well.  I'm doing all I can and what will be, will be.

Thanks for reading.  Happy holiday weekend.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Finally an update

So sorry for the delay! I so appreciate all of your support and believe it's crazy that anyone is even following me and feel so thankful for each of you and then I didn't update yesterday! I'm sure you all went on just fine with your lives, but you all left nice comments and words of support, so I feel bad not updating.  Without further ado:
Beta on Monday (15DPO): 454 :)
Progesterone: 17 :(  or :)
So, they called me in some progesterone! I have never worked so hard for (long story to follow) or been so excited (don't tell my husband) to stick something in my vagina.  Just kidding on the last part--I love my husband, including having sex with him.  I'm thrilled. Has all this heartache occurred simply because my progesterone is low? Will this be my "fix"?? I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I'm trying to stay removed until I see what happens with my beta on Thursday and then again next week.  I did tell my best friend Morgan and my other friend Rina but instructed them not to talk about it :) I just learned from the last two losses that it's nice to have people "in" on it from the beginning rather than going back and explaining after the loss occurred and I acted weird for some time.

Why the delay in updating:  Last night my husband and I went to bed at the same time. This rarely happens as he is often at work when I go to bed.  He does not know about this blog. I thought I'd tell him by now, but haven't.  I always catch up with everyone and then post right before bed.  So, last night, I couldn't update.  I used the computer and tried to sneak but he was in a sweet mood and kept wanting to be involved with what I was doing.  So, I delayed.  Thanks again for all the support!

Progesterone:  Why is nothing in life easy? The nurse planned to call in my progesterone to Caremark to mail order as they do for many other patients. She simply stated I'd have to arrange delivery from them and all would go well.  All did not go well.  The entire caremark site and computers were down yesterday morning causing a lot of trouble! After approximately 5 hours on the phone with my nurse, the pharmacy, 2 other pharmacies, and several conversations with caremark, I ended up having the suppositories made at a compounding pharmacy and paying out of pocket for them.  Caremark assures me I'll be reimbursed while the pharmacy assures me caremark says I will not be.  The truth is that I don't care.  It was $57 for 60 suppositories and I feel that it is truly worth it and a reasonable cost to pay.  Does everyone have that much trouble getting meds??

So, I started the progesterone last night. I am currently on my third one and really doing ok. I had a headache last night, but today have been fine. I may be more cranky than usual, but how can I tell?

How I'm feeling this time:  I do feel a little less committed and more okay if the outcome is an early loss. I feel that this time, we have truly done everything and there's no missing data.  Our labs are fine, our karyotypes are good, etc. etc. We've determined my progesterone is low and I'm taking a supplement.  I don't have this feeling of wanting to do "more" or feeling like I'm missing something this time. I'm at peace with whatever happens  (this is what I think now anyway).  The flip side of this is that maybe this will actually be the one!  Also, I don't have 6 months invested into this pregnancy this time. I think that has truly made a difference. I'm beyond thankful for it, and do realize that I have 17 months invested in TTC, but it feels different this time.  Only time will tell.

Hope all is well with you. Keep Krista in your mind tomorrow as she undergoes FET!

Monday, April 18, 2011

The update is no update yet

Thanks so much for all the well-wishes :) I really appreciate them.  I feel truly lucky to be here again so quickly, but so apprehensive as you all understand.  Beta drawn today but no results until tomorrow as I went to Labcorp (did not know this at the time). Crampy today in my back and tummy.  Nauseous on and off.  I'm not sure what's normal, so who knows.  Hopefully will have good news tomorrow!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Take Three?

So, I got a positive pregnancy test this week.  As you RPLers know, this means nothing. It's just the beginning.   Both times in the past I was excited because it took 6 months to get there and I just knew that each of those times it would work. This time, I'm honestly filled with dread (possibly a trace of underlying excitement that is not allowed to be acknowledged). I just feel that it's only a matter of time before my body kills this child as well.  I know this is a negative way to be thinking about things, but I cannot get attached again until I know things are going well (and I realize that even then there are no guarantees).  I've already felt some cramping in my abdomen and in my back.  And since both of my previous pregnancies have ended so early and were both different, I don't know what is normal and what is not.  I used the wondfo pregnancy tests. I got a positive Thursday (the day AF was supposed to arrive) but it was faint so I didn't really believe it. I've tested about 10 times and still no AF. I really wanted to get a digital to be sure, but D asked what the point would be. I guess he's right. Plus, that would be more emotional investment.  I called my RE and will have my beta and progesterone drawn Monday and Thursday. So, we'll know more this time next week. I really feel that I'll need progesterone supplementation.  I just wonder if starting it Monday will be soon enough? Nothing I can do about it now. I just need to relax...I am in control of none of this.  So, that's where I am.  At least it didn't take 6 months this time, right? Only one cycle after my miscarriage...maybe that's something... will update more as the week progresses.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

A good mood!

Uh oh.  Watch out.  I sat down to right this tonight and I am, get this, in a good mood! I'm not feeling sorry for myself and I'm not feeling depressed. Wow, this feels nice.  And guess what else? Today, I booked a trip to Charleston. I cannot wait to go!  It was totally spontaneous and I'm super excited.  The kicker (I just thought about this in the shower) is that I didn't even look at my calendar to see whether or not I'd be ovulating, in the 2ww, etc. Didn't even cross my mind!  I go somewhere almost every month for a few days. In 16 months I have not made any plans without first consulting my trusty fertilityfriend iPhone app.  I still haven't even looked at it. Not sure what that's all about.  But, I'm going with it for now. I have something to look forward to no matter what happens!

D and I haven't had much time to talk since the RE visit. We spoke a little about the chance of multiples with clomid and both feel that twins would be an option for us. We are ok with taking that risk.  For this month, assuming I'm not already pregnant (of course), we may or may not try the clomid. It depends on when my cycle starts. My grandma's 70th birthday is at the end of April and I will go solo out of town for a few days to see her.  If my cycle is even the slightest bit late, we'll miss prime BD time.  And we both agreed that there's no need to do a medicated cycle if we can't use it to it's full potential.  And I'm ok with that.  I appreciate the feedback I got regarding Clomid. It was all duly noted.  Thank you :)

Hope you all are well. I'm excited about the planned 80 degree day tomorrow! Cook out for dinner, I think.  Be well.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Everything is normal...yay?

So, yesterday was our meeting with the RE to have an US and to go over all of our test results in the workup for RPL.  As expected, everything is normal.  I was both happy and disappointed that this was the case.  I'm happy that nothing is wrong, although I was really hoping for there to be something small wrong that we could easily fix; therefore, providing a reason for my two miscarriages and some assurance that the next time is less likely.  Instead, I still have no answers and have a higher risk of miscarrying again.  Although, eventually, with enough pregnancies, I'll have a baby.  Yeah statistics.  It was very emotional.  The MD is amazing! He is so kind and compassionate. He treats us like we're competent but explains anything we need him to. He answers our questions and is not pushy at all.  He acts as if he has all the time in the world for us and we're not even doing expensive procedures! I do love him.

After we got the results we talked about perhaps starting Clomid. The MD in NO way pushed us towards it, just offered it if we wanted. D and I had many questions and he was patient and answered them all. I had guessed that we would have this option and spoke to D about it on the ride to the center.  It may be good for us because it will stimulate a good strong egg (or 2), boosts the progesterone, and we know almost certainly when I will ovulate so sex can be timed better. Even though all my tests were "normal" I'm concerned that I have a progesterone issue after I get pregnant. Also, each time we've gotten pregnant it's taken us 6 months. With Clomid, it could happen faster.  I'm more of a "doer" and my husband is more of a "nothing's wrong, nothing needs to be fixed" kind of guy.  So, we're still discussing the next step. After we went over all the risks and side effects, D felt more comfortable with it.  So, we can decide whenever.  If we aren't pregnant this cycle (not feeling like we are, by the way) we can just call.  If we don't that's fine too.  We can call when/if we ever want it. Then, with the next +HPT we can call and they'll follow us.  Any thoughts about trying clomid?

I'm disappointed that we don't have answers but happy that nothing serious is wrong with me. I do know and feel confident that I will eventually get pregnant and stay that way.  I'm a control freak and this is completely out of my hands, which has been hard. I do feel lucky and know that my situation could be much much worse. I know to many of you I sound like a whiner and need to buck up and go on.  However, taking so long to get pregnant and then miscarrying twice has dealt a serious blow to my self-esteem and happiness.  Although, right now I'm in a good place.  I'm trying to reconnect with me and relearn the interests I had before TTC became all-consuming.  I mean, what else is there to do during the two week wait?

Monday, April 4, 2011

Lots of thoughts today.

First off, thanks for the exercise tips. It's funny that I got three different responses--same thing that happens when I do research!  Who the hell knows what is best and what we "should" and "shouldn't" do.  I'm lazy right now, so did not run for a few days! AHH.  Need to get back on that.

So, in fertility news, this is what I've got: (any input is welcome)
First off, I've used CBEFM for over a year and always get two days of high and then two days of peak.  This time, so far I've gotten 6 days in a row of high and still no peak.  This is my first time using OPKs. I got a negative at 0900 on Friday April 1st and then a positive at 10pm. The positive remained until I tested at 2pm on Sunday.  We BDd Tuesday PM March 29th, then on Friday April 1st about 10am then 11 that night.  Then the morning of Sunday April 3rd.  I had a temp rise on the 2nd and 3rd and then, like a dummy, forgot to temp this am.  I think we're ok in the BD department.  However, I'm concerned about the CBEFM never going to peak...did I ovulate? I'll keep you posted.
Oh, and I go the the RE tomorrow to get the results of my final blood work (lupus, antiphospholipid antibodies, etc.) and for him to make his recommendations.  I'm thinking I might want to talk about clomid just to increase our chances? I haven't yet talked to D about that, though... I guess that's what we'll do on the hour drive there.

Ok, did really well for two weeks with eating well and exercising. This weekend it went downhill and that's where it's remained.  Ugh! I lost 6 pounds those two weeks (ten days, whatever).  And, as usual, I see results and then F it all up with bad eating habits and no exercise. Part of this is that I'm scare of exercising right now. I know that it's probably ok, but I don't want to do anything to hurt my chances of having a baby. So, progress needed in this area.

Did I mention that D doesn't know about this blog? In fact, only a few of my IRL friends know I'm writing a blog, but none know the name/address. I wanted this to be private and more of a diary.  I do feel bad keeping it from D, though.  In fact, a couple of weeks ago he saw me reading blogs and suggested that I start my own! I just said "well, maybe one day I will." I definitely should have just told him then, but I knew he'd be curious and want to read it and there were things in it that I wasn't ready for him to read because we hadn't yet talked about them (namely my first post). We've since talked about that, so if he asks again, I may just tell him...we'll see. I don't typically keep things from him.

My BFF Morgan's 12 week US is Wednesday so keep her in your thoughts!

Annoying news:
First off, this lady I know drives me up the wall. I work with her, so unfortunately, I have to see her quite often.  The thing that drives me most crazy is that she talks about what a professional she is and then shares TMI about her professional life. It's so much that it's uncomfortable for many of us to be around her.  Well, last week, she "confided" in me that her daughter was pregnant (just took the test that morning).  Yep! She had her Mirena taken out last month and POOF, pregnant!  She didn't even know what to think.  But, it's a secret. This lady wasn't telling anyone until after first trimester (like any of us even cared, anyway!).  Well, this morning, I overheard her telling several other people.  Then, a fellow coworker came up and said "I guess the pregnancy is not a secret anymore".  I just laughed. All of us had individually been"confided in" and then she made a big spectacle announcement later in the week!  What is this lady's problem!?  Oh, and today she talked about how her daughter will deliver at this specific hospital, it's great group, yadda, yadda, yadda.  She's 5 weeks pregnant.  Slow down, lady!  But, that's probably just jealousy speaking...right? Do most people start planning and telling everyone this early? I didn't with either pregnancy.  My parents didn't even know! I asked the coworkers around me (keep in mind that we work in OB and also that none of them know my history or even that I'm TTC) and we all concluded that the behavior is bizarre.  I think this lady just craves attention.  It's like even if something bad happens or she miscarries, at least she'll get the attention from that.  But, maybe I'm being a bad person. Maybe that's just how she copes by actually opening up and sharing with people (unlike others I know, hint, hint).  Anyway, just wanted to share that experience.

I realize this post was all over today! Thanks for reading (if you made it through).  I'm feeling so much better than I did 10 days-a week ago.  Hopefully this 2WW will go fast. Spring is in the air, etc etc.  Thanks for seeing me through rough patch.  I'm sure there's many more to come, but today I'm ok.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

CD 15

Today is Cycle Day 15. I always ovulate on cycle day 11...or so I thought. This is my first month using OPKs along with the CBEFM.  I bought the cheapy wondfo's so that I could test as many times as I want. I started testing on CD 8 (a little premature, I know) and got my first + last night.  This does coincide with the rest of my signs. My temp is acting crazy.  My mucous is typical. My CBEFM is still just reading high instead of peak (even today!). I had a +OPK this morning and this afternoon.  So, hopefully ovulation is near?  I wonder if m/c causes the next cycle to be funky. It's strange that I'm ovulating later than usual.  Anyway, D and I BD'd yesterday morning, and last night. We both worked today and he won't be home until 1-2 am.  We'll probably BD. Then again tomorrow afternoon.  Sound good enough? Think it will be ok that we couldn't today? Anyway, I'm curious what my temp will do tomorrow.  Hopefully up, up, up.

I'm feeling a lot better than the last few times I posted.  Yesterday was a very good day for us. We trained at the rock climbing gym by our home, which was fun.  It's hard but we both enjoyed it.  Then, we did some shopping. It was nice to do fun stuff together!  Thank you all for your comments. It's nice to know people care and can relate.

One more question: how do you feel about exercise and the two week wait? I've been doing the C25K, as previously mentioned, and want to keep it up. But, I'm scared to do it. Any thoughts? Also, think the rock climbing gym would be ok during 2ww? I'm finally back on the health bandwagon and don't want to fall off!  Thanks for the advice.