Saturday, April 16, 2011
So, I got a positive pregnancy test this week. As you RPLers know, this means nothing. It's just the beginning. Both times in the past I was excited because it took 6 months to get there and I just knew that each of those times it would work. This time, I'm honestly filled with dread (possibly a trace of underlying excitement that is not allowed to be acknowledged). I just feel that it's only a matter of time before my body kills this child as well. I know this is a negative way to be thinking about things, but I cannot get attached again until I know things are going well (and I realize that even then there are no guarantees). I've already felt some cramping in my abdomen and in my back. And since both of my previous pregnancies have ended so early and were both different, I don't know what is normal and what is not. I used the wondfo pregnancy tests. I got a positive Thursday (the day AF was supposed to arrive) but it was faint so I didn't really believe it. I've tested about 10 times and still no AF. I really wanted to get a digital to be sure, but D asked what the point would be. I guess he's right. Plus, that would be more emotional investment. I called my RE and will have my beta and progesterone drawn Monday and Thursday. So, we'll know more this time next week. I really feel that I'll need progesterone supplementation. I just wonder if starting it Monday will be soon enough? Nothing I can do about it now. I just need to relax...I am in control of none of this. So, that's where I am. At least it didn't take 6 months this time, right? Only one cycle after my miscarriage...maybe that's something... will update more as the week progresses.