So, yesterday was my husband's 30th birthday. It was slightly traumatic for both of us. He is so afraid of growing old and is constantly referring back to his "glory days". I'm panicked because I'm next. We're both practically 30. I know that's not very old. But, it's significant. When we say things, it goes like: "for thirty years I've been doing x, y, or z". Woah. Where did that time go? And it only goes faster with every passing year...
Yesterday was also the due date for my first pregnancy. I knew the date was upcoming but really tried not to focus on it or give it much notice. Alas, I barely moved from the couch Saturday or Sunday. I just felt profoundly sad and didn't feel like doing anything. I'm not going to go down all the paths of pity I have for myself. I've been doing that way too much lately! It's just that I'm in a sad and almost debilitating place right now And just a few weeks ago I was hopeful and anticipatory of this cycle. Now, the last thing I want to do is have sex. I just want to sleep. All the time.
Today I had to work and was thinking about what else is going on with me. I think I'm just experiencing compassion fatigue. I am a nurse and work in an intense setting where all of my patients are delivering infants with fetal anomalies. Some are very preterm, some are term. Some babies will live with a relatively good prognosis, some will die soon after birth, and some have unknown paths ahead. They almost all are facing surgery and long NICU stays. I love my patients and often bond with them. The past few months I have had some truly remarkable patients that I've become emotionally attached to who have faced situations that are beyond belief. While I love them and have felt grateful to have these experiences, I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of crying and bonding, particularly when struggling with infertility myself. Not only am I having a hard time getting and staying pregnant, I know about all the crazy things that can happen embryonically once I do have a sticky baby! I see it every day! But, that's my job and there's not much else I can do about it right now. I don't want to start over. Plus, I really like it. I'm just so drained right now. I think I just need to step back from my patients. I can provide excellent care without becoming emotionally invested...I think.
Sounds very intense and you my dear sound overdue for a break. Lucky Easter is coming up. It is weird to turn 30, but dirty 30's are cool! Bit more sophisticated, bit more headstrong and capable of anything. I hope you come back from the sad place and hoping our hugs can help and bring you back to smiling and being excited about blogging and making a bub. Huuuuge hugs, and know we are all hear to listen to you. Open up the curtains at home and buy some fresh flowers. Xo
ReplyDeleteMy due date from my first pregnancy (mc at 8 wks) was a couple of weeks ago. It was unexpectedly tough, and I felt pretty much the way you're describing. But after several days, the fog lifted, and I do feel a bit better now. Hope you feel better soon!
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