First off, thank you thank you thank you to all who have left comments! It's so encouraging to read words of support and to know that other's are thinking of you. I really appreciate you.
Yesterday was quite an emotional roller-coaster for me. I spent the morning lying in bed willing myself to get up and face the day (and my HSG). I was bitter about going by myself and angry that D was not going with me. He was at work and could have gone, but I didn't ask him to. In fact, I told him he didn't need to go, giving him an "out". Then, I was angry that he didn't go. Actually, it was more that he didn't want to go. It made me feel that he didn't want to be involved and that I was doing this on my own.
I finally got up and put my big girls pants on (only to have them taken off again at the appointment) and went to the appointment. The center is about an hour from my house so I had plenty of time once in the car to be angry and resentful about the whole situation. I was nervous about the pain and quite frankly pissed that I am even in this position. I was angry that I have to seek help for something so basic as having a child. I was full of self pity and very aware that many things are "wrong" with me.
Once I got there, it was ok. They saw me almost as soon as I walked in giving me little time to sit alone in the waiting room. I used the restroom and then got on the table with my clothes off below my waist. The doctor introduced himself (different MD than we had for our consult) and told me briefly about the procedure. In short, it was quite uncomfortable. I felt like I had a really full bladder and had to hold it. Plus the pressure and pinching at the cervix was painful as well as the cramping. The good thing was that it only lasted a few minutes. I had some cramping on and off the rest of the day. My HSG was normal. Good news, right?
Really, I don't know how to feel. So far, all the blood work and now the HSG have been "normal". I know I should be happy, but in reality it's so frustrating. Why does it take so long to get pregnant? And then once I'm pregnant, why I can't I stay that way?? Maybe it's just bad luck. Either way, it's sad and I don't know if I can go through this again. I really hoped we would find something minor to fix and then I could know that everything would be ok. But, it looks like we're heading toward the unexplained route. I don't know how I'm going to handle this.
D knew I was upset with him for not going and texted me several times. I finally called and was rude to him because of the several frustrations that occurred in the office (for another post) as well as being upset with him. He apologized but it was an agonizing conversation. We talked for a while about whether or not to even try to have kids anymore. I feel like such a wreck. So many of you have gone through way more than I can imagine. I don't know how you do it! I truly don't know how I'm going to handle another miscarriage. I feel like I barely made it through the last one. Then, I think about if we ever do have a child and something happening to that child I would die. The decision to have a child is so difficult! But, I can't give up. It's what I want. So much pain involved...
On another note, can someone tell me whether or not people who leave comments get the comments that are left after theirs? Does that make sense? I want to know because I have made comments back to some of the people that have left comments on my post, but I'm not sure if they get them without coming back to the post and reading through all the comments again. I want to make sure people know I appreciate them. Thanks for the help!
Glad it was over quickly! Now make extra effort in the next cycle and take advantage of the clean out. I guess it's no pain no gain? If you think in 10 yes time you will not regret any decisions you make now, then do what you feel is right. I've had 2 miscarriages and I know I would not change a thing, I have had a son inbetween and I will keep fighting for another bub as long as I can. It will be worth it.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I know people have to come back and read your post to see your comments. But I'm pretty basic with blogging, might be another way.
I'm glad your HSG went well, though a bit painful and cramppy. And sorry to say, but boy do I understand your bouts with resentment towards D. It is awful that at the times we need support most, DH's don't always get it. But in the past days I've had an on-going conversation with a friend whose wife had premie twin girls after a three year battle with infertility. One thing he said really struck me: he didn't "get it" at the time, with so much of what she went through. Now he blesses her every breath, for being stronger than he could have ever been (those are HIS words) for their beautiful girls. Hopefully the same will be true for all of us with semi-clueless dudes. :)
ReplyDeleteAs for the sorrowful fear of being able to withstand another miscarriage, we have to let our hope outweigh our fear. It has been made easier for me by stepping away from my "obsession" with getting pregnant, but my hope is stronger than ever. I just keep picturing a wee one in my arms. It will happen! I hope for it for you, as well.
i'm so glad your HSG went well! i'm sorry that it was an emotional day, though, and that DH didn't go with you. mine didn't want to go with me for the IUI yesterday, since he'd already had to drop off an hour and a half before. i was a little put out with him. it's tough for them to know what to do and how much. i think they want to be supportive, but there's not that much that involves them, so they feel kind of helpless. don't let your fears hold you back from having the family you've always wanted. fear can be such a crippling thing, but sometimes you've just gotta put a crapload of faith into what you're doing and just know that it's all going to work out. i believe that it will! oh, and with the comments, sometimes it will give the commenter the option to subscribe to all following comments, but just to be safe, i usually go to the person's blog and leave them a comment there or in a post on my blog. that way they can't miss my response.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to hear the HSG went well. I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to not have any answers as to what's going wrong, but the only advice I can give you is to take it one day at a time. You're thinking so far ahead, no wonder you are exhausted and overwhelmead! It's one thing to be prepared for the worst case scenario, but assuming it's going to happen will only cause you a lot of stress. Now, I completely understand that's easier said than done, but when I'm feeling hopeless, that's what I try to focus on. Only TODAY, you know?
ReplyDeleteAs for comments, I believe they would have to come back and read the rest of the comments after they've posted...
Stopping over from ICLW. I'm so sorry you're dealing with the frustrations & emotions of IF and loss. It can be incredibly hard to know what path is best and very frustrating to have more questions than answers. I remember how uncomfortable my HSG's were also...such an unpleasant experience. I hope you're able to get some answers soon from the RE and that you and your husband are able to find the path that is best for you as you try to build your family.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of the comments question, no they don't receive notice of them. If they return to your blog to check they could see them, but otherwise if you want to get a message to them it might be best to visit their blog & leave a comment.