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Thanks for sharing in our journey of moving from a couple in love TTC with no intervention to the land of testing and procedures...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The fog is lifting...I hope

Yesterday was just as debilitating as the other days. Today it started off much the same way. The difference was that I had to go to work for a few hours which allows me to think about something other than sadness for a few hours.  The primary difference was that after work I had lunch with my best friend who had been away visiting her family on the west coast for the weekend.  She is who I talk to about these things in real life.  She gets it and I completely unloaded on her! She did what a great friend does: listened, validated my feelings (and encouraged me to do the same), showed compassion, and provided realistic helpful advice.  Basically, she took me as I was, accepted me, and then gave me hints to make things better like: set short achievable goals for yourself each day.  Today, it was simply to fold the clothes in the dryer and to do my run.  I felt a lot better after talking through all of my stuff with her.   She checked in via text letting me know she accomplished her goals and wondering if I did mine.  I was sitting on the coach about to start down my self pity route, but her text was just what I needed.  Slowly, I headed up the stairs to fold the clothes, change clothes, and then went on my run.  And you know what? I felt better. I always do.   I just need to do it!  Oh, and did I mention that this best friend of mine is pregnant and we had shared the same due date?

This friendship is, obviously, complicated.  But, its foundation is love, respect, and good will towards each other.  It's also deep seated in sorrow and heartbreak.  During my first pregnancy last summer, my friend (in the future called Morgan) was also pregnant, but 4 weeks ahead of me.  She knew that D and I were having trouble TTC and she and her husband started trying earlier than expected.  As usual, she got pregnant on the first try.  I did hate her a little but was excited to share this journey together.  She told me she was pregnant on Thursday. I got by BFP the next morning.  When I miscarried, we had a misunderstanding. She was the only person who knew about the situation, but wasn't there for me when I miscarried. It was a difficult situation for her.  My husband pushed me to let her know how I felt. So, I sent her an email letting her know how hurt I was that she didn't acknowledge my loss or simply tell me "I'm sorry". I let her know I cared for her but I was truly upset.  She called me immediately and we cried together on the phone. She let me know how much she loved me and how hard it was for her that she was still pregnant and I was not.  Morgan is the best of friends.

Unfortunately, one week later, she had a 12 week screen US done and there were some issues with the bladder and possible echogenic bowel.  Because of the early gestation of the fetus, a diagnosis wasn't clear.  She started to withdraw from the pregnancy as she waited for more test results and a 17 week scan.  It was a sad and long 5 weeks.  At the scan, her suspicions were correct.  Their daughter had a random rare genetic condition in which the kidneys did not work, the bladder was malformed, among a myriad of other abdominal organ issues causing her to be incompatible with life.  Five days later Morgan had a D&E.  She was so strong and graceful through the whole experience.  She was expectantly sad, devastated. But, she didn't take it personally, knew it was just bad luck, and was not hesitant about starting again.

So, as soon as AF returned, she and her husband started TTC again. They got pregnant the second cycle.  She found out and told me on Thursday (again), and (again) I got my BFP the next morning.  This time she was absolutely there for me from the beginning of my miscarriage and has remained.  Unfortunately, she can relate.  Unfortunately, she has also been traumatized and does not take pregnancy for granted.  She is cautious about this current pregnancy as well.

It angers me how much infertility and loss robs us of happiness.  I want to be the naive pregnant girl who is giddy, tells everyone, and then reports to my gender scan with not a worry in the world.  But, neither Morgan nor I (nor, unfortunately, many of you) will ever get that experience.

I am thankful for my best friend.

4 comments:

  1. Your words absolutely tore at my heart... Friendship can be so delicate while TTC. The circumstances of your and of Morgan's situations are heartbreaking. How beautiful that, at the end of it all, you have a best friend, and a dear friendship to be thankful for.

    You are so right, how infertility and loss robs us of happiness. And keeps us from, perhaps, being as happy as we should when others are successful TTC. At times I'm ashamed of my actions (or, rather, inactions) for friends and family who are blissfully on their way to motherhood. How many acknowledgements of congratulations and baby gifts do I owe? Too many. Yet I hold back because my sorrow is so great. I hate that this pursuit makes of me a selfish and inward person.

    I hope your fog keeps lifting. It can... but I so understand how somedays, simply functioning seems impossible. Be kind to yourself; you are strong enough to make it through.

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  2. She sounds like a wonderful friend. I love the idea of setting small goals each day. IF can be so overwhelming..I think I'll try this as well :)

    What an awful experience for both of you to go through. I find IF and m/c complicate friendships, so I'm glad you two have gotten through this as better and closer friends.

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  3. I totally agree with the reusethematerialgirl...friendship changes when TTC gets involved. It's even changed some things for me within my family. For instance, my older sister and I can both get pregnant at the drop of a dime, but can't stay that way. Our younger sister both gets pregnant without even trying and stays that way...she's 26 and has 4 kids! CRAZY! I have to say I've been jealous of her from time to time, putting just a little strain on our relationship.

    Unfortunately you have both been jaded by the harsh reality of pregnancy loss. It's impossible to take it for granted once you've lost a baby. I'm really glad you are able to talk with your friend about all of this and that she can give you a boost when you need it most. Hang in there...

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  4. I'm glad you're starting to feel a little better. This is such a tough time, and it's great that you have IRL friends as well as blog friends to provide support. I think setting small goals is really good advice. Be good to yourself, you can do this. Wishing you peace.

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